Dear Melissa,
I’m struggling to articulate how to say this, but – I recently realized something I can’t un-know. The person I’m dating isn’t the one. On paper, he’s great. He checks off all my boxes. He’s funny, extremely caring and well-intentioned. He supports me in my art, and most days, I don’t know what I’d do without him around. But he’s not my soul mate, if that’s even such as thing.
When I think about the white-picket fence, he’s not there. I wish I could go back to where things were new, and blissful and happy, but I can’t stop thinking about my awful gut feeling of he’s not it!
See, before I met him, I was in a long-term relationship with someone else that obviously didn’t work out. I was still reeling from the demise of that relationship when I stumbled into this one…. and now, I’m kind of just drifting through it (no pun intended.)
I keep asking myself….do I really know for sure that he’s not it? Can anyone actually just know that someone is their soul mate, or does it take time?
A part of me is worried that maybe, I’ll draw this line in the sand, and I won’t be able to go back. Is it foolish to leave someone who has been so good to you, if you know they’re not right?
Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.
(That one was a joke.)
White Picket Fences
Fences,
A few months ago, I probably would have given you a different response. But alas, I woke up in a strange, still new world today. When I opened my eyes, a bearded, gruff man tousled my hair and told me I was beautiful. He told me what time it was, and that although it wasn’t quite time to wake up yet, he knew I had to start work. You know, at my full-time writing job.
Most importantly, he told me there was coffee in the kitchen.
Chase (previously mentioned bearded fellow) is my boyfriend, and is strangely very good at making coffee. I don’t really know what it is – maybe it’s the water to grounds ratio. Maybe it’s that he always makes it when I’m still asleep. I don’t know. He’s just exceptional at making an average cup of coffee, and I love that about him.
Compare this to a few months ago, when I usually woke up to the sound of Morrie snoring. I had to make my own fucking coffee, which usually meant, I would order ahead on my Starbucks app. It was still good coffee, it was just different.
Fences, I’m not sure if I believe in the standard definition of soul mates. Sure, I believe there are a few right people for everyone, but I think the thing that determines if someone is ‘the one’ is actually the time they reach you in your life. Because before Chase, there were other men I loved. At the time, I thought that just maybe, they were my soul mate.
Then in an apparent, GOTCHA moment, they weren’t.
As someone who has also been in a long-term relationship (two, actually), I can empathize with the feeling of world shaking, trembling doom that comes with the death of something that once felt significant. You know that all relationships end eventually, even the right ones. To use your words, that’s not something you can un-know.
But alas, after the world ends, after you’ve moved out, after you’ve gotten used to not texting them everyday, after you’ve stopped watching the shows you used to watch together because it’s too painful, after you’ve gotten the post-breakup haircut, after you’ve scrolled through their Reddit history too many times, after you’ve blocked and unblocked them on Facebook, after you’ve gotten kind of drunk and slept with someone unexpected, and AFTER you’ve met someone else that makes you feel excited, and nervous, and yes, a little horny, you wake up in a brand new world.
It’s different. You’re different. But the trick of life is, it’s another relationship. It’s another opportunity to make it or break it. The looming is this person the one? hangs over your head because YOU KNOW, at some point, you need to decide.
Fuck that. Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Fences, here’s the thing that the Hallmark channel, greeting cards, Meg Ryan movies, and teenage vampire books don’t tell you about “the one”. It’s OKAY for the person you’re dating not to be classified as “the one” or “not the one”. It’s okay for them just to be the person you’re currently seeing really great movies with in the afternoon while everyone else is at work. It’s okay for them just to be the person who shares your love of film and writing. For now, it’s okay for them just to be the person who makes you really good average cups of coffee in the morning.
Once you put a YES or NO stamp on the imaginary file of potential soul mates in your head, you will not be able to get them out. You will have ruined something special. However, to your point, something doesn’t feel right. Something feels off. And that, my friend, is a feeling you should not ignore.
The thing is, in my current lovey dovey haze of new relationship, I’ve never wanted to leave Chase. We’ve had a real relationship, which of course, comes with a challenge or two. Sure, I don’t know if he’s “the one” (I’ve been wrong before, so how could I), but he’s still my favorite person to be around. He’s becoming my best friend. The idea of a post-Chase life sure, has more flirting in bars and solo-trips, but I don’t really miss those things. I don’t want to go back to pre-Chase, and that’s the season of life I’m in right now.
I’ve done plenty of self-development and reflection on what it means to be Melissa. I know Melissa. She’s a salty, sometimes impatient, sometimes pouty, ball of fire that can’t stand sitting still and is always thinking about what work she still has to do that day. I know Melissa, and I know that for the forseeable future, her life includes Driftyland, her new dream job, and Chase.
And pizza.
And of course, Morrie.
But you, Fences – you don’t sound so sure. You don’t come off like you don’t want to go back. From reading your note and hearing about your plight, I don’t think you’re done being single yet. Sure, you can shout from the nearest rooftop or void that you’re fucking done with the shitty parts of being single (we all are, in this day and age), but I don’t think you’re done finding yourself. That’s pretty standard after huge breakups.
I will give you this advice: if you’re feeling confused and only sure that this person isn’t right for you, consider them. Give them a chance to go out in the world and find someone who will wake up in the morning and make coffee for them. Give them a chance to find someone who will see their morning Troll doll hair, and still want them anyway. Give them a chance to find someone who will be excited about them.
They deserve it. You do, too.
It will suck. But like that YES or NO stamp you’re keeping in your back pocket, there’s also another stamp there – it’s a HAPPY or NOT HAPPY stamp. Right now, you’re defining your happiness by your relationship status and I’ll venture a guess that it isn’t the first time.
And just like this person doesn’t deserve to be checked off as a yes or no, you do not deserve to define yourself in such small constraints.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – the purpose of your life is SO MUCH GREATER than who you end up with. Who are you outside of this relationship, Fences? What do you want to DO in the world?
If I told you you’d be alone forever, what would you do with your life to make that OK?
The most important advice I can bestow on you is this – when it comes to finding the one and finding yourself, the truth is…
…you’re never really done.
There’s never a finish line. Sure there are seasons of certainty and consistency, but everything ends eventually. It’s all process, an evolution. You don’t stop. You’re always thinking, and feeling, and wanting, and wondering what your life would be like if x, y, and z.
Even when you’re 60, or 90.
For now, do your best, given the information you have. Even when it’s not the information you want. Salvage the relationship you’ve made with this person. If you know you don’t want them, don’t ignore it. Let them go, and if they come back to show, well, that’s how you… fuck I’m quoting Christina Aguleria lyrics.
The tl;dr is this: stop looking for an end point, Fences. You’re never done, so you may as well be incomplete, but still stupid happy and fulfilled. Either with someone else, or alone. Some people will tell you they’ve found their soul mate, and they’re probably right. But saying that there’s a soul mate for everyone, and there’s only one, presents an impossible and disappointing challenge for anyone who enters your life.
People aren’t a YES or NO, they’re people. Let them be who they’re meant to be in your story, and love them for it.
The last person I was involved with before Chase actually led me to Chase. It’ll keep it brief, because I don’t want to divulge too many personal details. Basically, I went through that stage of really liking them, being involved, realizing that it either wasn’t the right time or right person, and let them go. I didn’t like doing it. It was hard work. I had to put what I knew for sure, the, this wasn’t where I was supposed to be right now feeling that sucks, into action.
So I walked away. I thrusted myself back into lonely nights, back into wedding invitations without a plus one, back into going to bars because where the fuck else am I going to meet someone. But I also put myself back into an environment where I had to make life work on my own, and because of that, I wandered into a rehearsal space to try out for a local play.
Unbeknownst to me, in a weird, tricky little twist of fate, the man who handed me a script and read through my audition with me, who was the director/playwright – was also the man that a few months later, would listen to me screech about things I felt salty about, hot tub at the beach with me in December, and would look at me and actually see me, and love me for who I was, right there, at this particular moment in our lives.
I don’t want to sound like a cliche, and I don’t want to come off as smug. I was alone for a long time and it was because deep down, I kind of knew I had work to do. It hard and lonely and made me realize that:
- I was never really done figuring out who I was and what I wanted.
- That life consists of seasons and spells.
- All the lines I drew in the sand never had to be forever.
I gave me an incredible sense of relief.
You don’t have to decide anything right now. You just have to choose to be happy, honest, and yes, a little selfish.
If you’re lucky and you keep an open mind and listen for those small, little universal whispers and nudges, you might find someone to keep you company.
Good luck, my friend.
Melissa