This entry is going to be uncharacteristically deep. When I was young, I lost someone that was very special to me. For the sake of privacy, I’ll just leave it at that. It haunted me for a long time, and although those scars have healed, the memories still remain. Sometimes, I catch a glimpse of someone who looks like that individual and my heart skips a beat. I remind myself, every time, of something I’ve come accustomed to believing: nothing is forever. That’s why I always try to make the best of the time that I do have.
Writing makes me feel better, especially when it’s raw and honest. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve gotten a lot of heat and disapproval for choices that I’ve made since Dave has been gone. But to be truthful, I’ve made a lot of choices in life that no one seemed to understand. It used to really hurt my feelings when someone disapproved of me. Now, I’ve tried to take something positive away from it. People will always find a reason to pick you apart, but if it’s one thing you can defend yourself with, it’s strength.
I’ve had people in my life that I’ve felt it’s impossible to please. Whatever the reason, I felt the need to impress them, and tried everything in my power to do so. Sometimes, I still find myself trying to impress them. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m tired of drama. I’m going to put all my energy into maintaining the meaningful friendships and relationships that I have now. If I have wronged someone I care about, I will try to make it better. But at the end of the day, there are only so many times I can apologize.
There’s a buddhist principle that I’ve tried to adapt to: treat every waking moment as if it were a dream. It helps during the rough times. The one thing that I’ve learned from this journey is that you need to be true to yourself. Sometimes people won’t understand, they will be harsh or unforgiving. But that’s just life. You can’t please everyone. I didn’t realize it, or maybe I just ignored it, but a lot of people were hurt when I decided to go back to Philadelphia. This is my apology to them- I never meant to let you down, but I had to do what was right for Dave and I. I’m not sorry for leaving, but I am sorry if my actions caused you any grief.
So here’s the point of this entry: Recently, I was confronted with someone’s very unflattering opinion of myself. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt, and at first, I was really unhappy with that person. Then, I stopped blaming them, and started looking at myself. Am I a perfect person? No. Do I always make the right choice? Probably not. But no matter what my choices are, I need to be more grateful and appreciative of other people. I need to realize that I’m not always right, I’m not always nice, and sometimes, my actions hurt other people. It’s unavoidable.
This is my proposal to you. Tell people how important they are to you. When you can, be gracious and kind, and when you can’t, be patient and honest. To be honest with all of you, I no longer want to put everyone else before Dave and I. While I can be gracious and kind, patient, and honest, I don’t want to be a doormat. I don’t want to be sorry for everything I do. While I’m sure I’ve hurt people in the past, people have hurt me as well. Regardless of what was said or done, I just want to move forward. It starts here.