Yesterday, I visited 21c Museum Hotel in downtown Durham. The museum is open even if you don’t stay there. So, on this beautiful and warm Wednesday, instead of staying cooped up in the office, my supervisor John decided to bring our department there.
Earlier that morning, I was talking to my co-worker Michael (a programmer) via gChat. He’s been pretty buried in work, but emerged momentarily to ask how I was/what was going on in my life. I gave him a quick recap, as I was distracted by other things.
As my mind raced, my fingers typed, and I chatted with a co-worker about something I can’t recall now, he sent me this message:
“Here’s my completely ignorant, wise bearded unasked for advice, that you can take, leave or laugh at…listen to God.”
It was like he slammed down on the brakes. Everything seemed to move slower, or stop completely. I walked to the museum somewhat in a daze, those words echoing in my head.
The museum was quiet and still. As I examined all of the truly unique, beautiful works of art, I came across a piece made of small metal circles.
I took note of all of the intricacies. I didn’t really understand what it was, until I walked by again, stepped back and realized –
All of the madness made a shape.
It’s hauntingly beautiful, at least in my opinion. I was already feeling pretty introspective, so I started thinking about all of my small, seemingly insignificant experiences from 2015.
The late nights I worked, or socialized. The sessions of Bible study that made me feel powerful and purposeful, the sessions that left me feeling aimless and empty. The surges of frustration, heartbreak and anger, followed by long, sleepy periods of stillness, rest and complacency. The bad dates, and good ones. The difficult conversations and the easy ones. The things I dropped, and ran away from because they weren’t good for me, and the things I ran towards, as fast as I could, although they weren’t good for me.
I’ve never wanted so much, and so deeply.
Most of the time, it didn’t make sense at all. I just knew I had to keep moving through it. I had to ride it out, not realizing that it was making a much larger shape.
Now, on the other side of all the ebbs and flows, I feel renewed. Full of faith, ideas, and certainty about who I am, and who I want to work towards becoming.
So this year, I don’t want to make a long list of resolutions and goals. I only want to make one: listen and trust God. And despite the inevitable ebbs and flows, to remember that we all have an inner compass, a strong intuition, that typically leads us in the right direction.
Even when it doesn’t make sense at all.
Readers, I hope you end 2015 with enthusiasm and positivity. My hope for everyone I’ve met, loved, and grown closer to in this past year is that we all find room in our day to day lives for kindness, joy and good intentions.
All of that being said, this will be my last post of 2015.
In lieu of my traditional New Years Posts, I want to finish on a high note. The next time you hear from me, I’ll be in a coffee shop in Reykjavik, Iceland. Little sister by side, hot kaffi in hand. Hopefully in similarly good spirits.
See you soon.