In 2014, I wrote a post about my New Years resolutions, and I remember that day so vividly.
I wrote them as I sat in Yellow Dog Cafe in Raleigh, and felt a rush of energy when I hit publish.
Practice positivity, gratitude & love, buying property, traveling more, running more…
…I was going to do these things, I just knew it.
So fast forward three years later – though I’ve been steadily heading in these directions, but I’m not quite there yet.
Why?
I’ve been motivated. I can give a pep talk better then anyone. So why hasn’t it happened?
It kind of pissed me off actually, and whether the reason was timing, circumstance, or simple “I followed through for awhile, then life got in the way”, it pissed me off.
So I realized my problem was just discipline. Simple discipline. I’m the only person that cares if I do any of this shit, and for the most part, no one is going to help me do any of it.
Why would they? It’s not their life. It has nothing to do with them really, so although I can have partners, motivators, I have to pull the weight alone.
Before 2016 was even over, I realized this, and decided I would let myself be pissed off enough to actually make some of these things happen, even if they weren’t perfect, or just as I imagined they’d be.
So though I say this every year, but I really, truly believe next year will be a big one.
Life-changing stuff. Because 2016 was insane – I got a taste of the world in winter, came into my own in spring, worked my ass off during the summer, explored in the fall, and finally, came home in the winter.
It was challenging. Up until the very end, I felt like I was tumbling down a hill, uncontrollably, slowing at the end, and finally arriving on the other side, dazed, and honestly, a little nauseated.
But it was an amazing preparation for this year, because no matter what shitty or unexpected thing happens, I can just remember:
I’ve been through more exhaustion than this.
I’ve been through deeper rejection than this.
I’ve felt more defeated than this.
I’ve come back from more than this.
The other thing that I’ve come to terms with, perhaps because of age or my personal experiences, as cliche as it fucking sounds, this is my one and only beautiful, imperfect crazy life, and I’m not going to piss it away.
So all of those things that I talked about in that 2014 post, that I felt so giddy about in that coffee shop… this is when I MVP them. In some form or another, I’ll complete them.