Hey, ya’ll. It’s been awhile, huh?
The last time I posted on Driftyland was on October 31st, when I was in Roanoke. Since, I’ve taken an intentional step back from writing for a simple reason: I didn’t have time.
Your girl’s been having a tough go of it. I’ve been insanely busy, and kind of exhausted, as life has been demanding more of me than it ever had. But I’ve gained more during 2016 than I have in any other year.
I rang in 2016 watching the sky light up over Hallgrimskirkja, wearing a floor length silver cocktail dress and hiking boots. I found my best friend huddled in a dirty kennel, knowing he was mine when he “bowed” to greet me. I chopped off my hair, dyed it blonde, and added a swallow, coordinates of Egilsstaðir, and a doodle of a lemon to my body.
I made a war room. I got a second job waiting tables. I quit my agency job. I found my mentor, John, took a drawing class with his wife, stayed out until 3 AM with my new service industry friends, and smoked a few cigarettes.
Elizabeth Gilbert instructed me to combine my persistence and my creativity, in front of 200 people in Los Angeles. My friend Katie and I played photo shoot with our friend Stephanie at Griffith Observatory. Heather Havrilesky read one of my favorite blog posts, about my friend Gwynne Barry, and encouraged me to keep writing. I chatted with Gary Jules outside of Motorco, and listened to him perform “Mad World” live. I went on a road trip with our bartender, Brittany, to Savannah, and we wandered around at 2 AM drinking wine from to go cups.
My Dad and I renovated my SUV. I climbed Piestewa Peak in 90 degree heat, the sun bearing down on my shoulders as I reached the summit. I gazed out over the coast of Maine after hiking Mount Battie. I spent Labor Day in a badminton tournament with strangers, helped a stranger renovate her vintage trailer, ate paella with my best friend and sister in Barcelona, and rapped “I Don’t Fuck With You” at The Bar in downtown Durham.
Life pushed me out into the world, having me explore the Northeast all summer. I fell into the French Broad River with Tess and Matt, ate fancy grilled cheese with Sandra in Norfolk, and explored Rochester before life forced me back to Durham, bringing my little brother with me. He moved into my apartment, and became my roommate.
I went on awful dates, fell in love with Bloody Mary’s, and started watching American Horror Story with stranger turned friend, Kat. We obsessed over Evan Peters, screamed and covered our eyes when Lee got prodded by the Polks, and got shushed by people watching the World Series at our bar.
Then I was surprised again – I serendipitously got a job as a project manager and copywriter at an agency in Wilmington. I got hired, got whisked away to Boston, Mass. to attend one of the most kick-ass industry events, Inbound, got back to North Carolina, and started an agency podcast.
Phew.
Now I’m sitting in my parents living room, at their home in upstate New York. I’m wearing a poofy tan hat with one of those pom poms on the end, wearing my worn Akureyri, Iceland t-shirt, reflecting on all of this craziness while my sisters sleep on the sofas. I still have my makeup on from last night, I have a headache, and as I sit here and think about this unpredictable, insane, exhausting, exciting, and exhilarating year, I can’t help but think….
DAMN.
I did all of that?!
And it taught me so much. It made me realize that sometimes, you really do know everything. In 2014, I literally wrote a manifesto talking about buying a house in Wilmington, amongst a few other goals. And guess what – nothing I wrote about wanting has changed!
I still “don’t want to lose momentum in my travel writing”, I still want to read more, and I still want to “feed the good wolf”, even when things suck. But I’ve also accepted that sometimes, you don’t know everything. Sometimes you just need to jump in, even if you have doubts. I’ve realized life is much sunnier when you’re not so hard on yourself. You always accomplish more than you think you do.
So say yes to things. Be okay with sucking at things, but then, be better at them. Smile at people. Let your day suck, but then try to make it better. Laugh at stupid things. Drink tons of wine with your dinner. Buy super comfortable, expensive socks, go on long, sweaty hikes and try to notice the falling leaves around you.
Inhale more.
Breathe.
Literally stop to smell the roses at the grocery store. Book the flight, already. Go see friends in faraway cities, but stop by the ones who live close and spend time with them, too. Let people take care of you. Take care of them. Let yourself fall in love, because even if you get your heart broken, nothing can erase the love, laughter, and moments shared between you.
Be nicer to people. Take a nicer tone. You don’t have to be sharp all the time. You can be softer. Let yourself be salty once in awhile, but don’t let it prevent you from feeling things. Don’t be too cool for feelings. It’s okay to care. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to still fuck up, even when you know you should know better.
Just really try to know better.
Admit that you overreacted. Forgive yourself for it, and forgive others for things that you’ve done when you weren’t feeling great about the way your life was turning out. Always order extra guac. Ask more questions. Write long emails and send them to people you care about. Trust your gut. Do the things that don’t make sense.
As my new co-worker Kyle says, swag for yourself. Wear the fancy dress. Paint your nails red. Spritz on perfume, even if you’re just sitting around the house. Take stupid long, hot baths and cover your face in a goopy mask, even if you don’t think it’s actually going to do anything for your skin.
Don’t fucking ask Siri for everything. Get off Google maps once in awhile and look at an Atlas. Re-memorize your state capitals and go to the library for a change. Give yourself more credit for all of the amazing things that you’ve done in your life.
Follow your curiosity, even when it brings you to a weird place or unexpected interest. Believe that good things can happen, believe that the universe is on your side, believe that you deserve and will receive all of the things that you’re secretly wanting, the things that you desire the most.
And finally – practice trusting that life can be a beautiful, amazing journey – even when you’re still trying to figure it out.
You don’t have to figure it out. You can just be. You can just let yourself be imperfect, in love, in doubt, in sadness, in anything. You can just be, and that can be enough.
Happy Thanksgiving, guys.
A version of this post was recorded for my podcast on Soundcloud.