“I love that you have such high standards,” Tony Robbins says to the defeated, thin teenager before him.
The boy, who admitted that he’s on the brink of suicide, is silent as Tony lays into him, while also encouraging him.
“Give yourself some time,” Robbins urges. “Give yourself some time.”
I started watching the Netflix Special because I like looking for inspirational messages in unexpected places. I’m not familiar with Robbins, besides what I’ve heard on television or in articles, but I’m intrigued by him. Some might think that an hour and a half long Tony Robbins series would be a likely place to get motivation, but I don’t.
Before watching this, my perspective of Tony Robbins was that he’s too overhyped, over commercialized to genuinely reach the average person. I mean, as of yet, he hasn’t reached me, and I’m a motivational speech junkie. I don’t know anyone who swears by him.
Throughout the coverage of his four-day Date with Destiny conference, I expect Tony’s mantras to be shoved down my throat. I’m pleasantly surprised when they’re not. I’m not there in person of course, but what Netflix chose to recap was Robbin’s ability to slice through bullshit and make people own their truth.
I immediately gain respect for him when he drops his first f-bomb. They touch on that as well, telling Robbins that his cursing tends to surprise people. His response?
“I want to provoke people back into the reality of this moment,” he says, as the woman he’s coaching is stunned by a sudden profanity. By using “taboo language” he explains, “You’re able to interrupt the noise in peoples heads.”
I’m hooked. I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not I want to use profanity on Driftyland, and Robbins has given me the green light. I’m eager to see what else he has to share.
I watched the series through 2-3 times, mentally highlighting the best tidbits of advice. I copied them here. If you have the time, check out the special.
(If you don’t have Netflix, give me a shout and I’ll give you my password.)
“Your problem is your gift.”
One of the first people Robbins speaks to is a young, bright eyed girl named Sienna. She cites “her diet” as something she wants to change, and Tony allows her to explain her current nutrition habits.
He presses her about reasons for wanting to be healthier, eventually revealing that she craves approval from her father. After he talks her through that, he points out that a lot of people focus on little problems so they can avoid working through the big ones.
“Life is happening for us, not to us,” he explains. By framing life’s problems as gifts, he leads into how challenges enable us to be emotionally stronger. Which brings us to his, in my opinion, strongest point of the special.
“If she had been the mother that I wanted,
I would not be the man that I’m proud to be.”
Robbins also had a complicated relationship with his mother. He describes her “pouring dish soap down his throat”, in a shockingly candid way, but admits the negative experience made him the Tony Robbins he is now.
“If you’re going to blame people for all the shit, you better blame them for the good shit, too,” he tells Sienna, and her mother, Jane.
“If you’re going to give them credit for all the shit that’s fucked up, than you better give them credit for everything that’s great.”
He talks a lot about the perseverance that Sienna has, and that he had, because of the poor relationships they had with their parents. I practice this, thinking about people that have hurt me, and outlining what happened after that pain. It smacks me in the face (I really recommend doing this), because I realized that if things had gone the way I wanted them to in those moments, I’d be screwed.
I probably would have peaked in Iceland, when it came to travel writing. I wouldn’t have had the chance to do solo travel at all. I definitely wouldn’t have had my ass whipped into shape by my old boss, and I wouldn’t be so hungry now.
Robbins points out that these people, have helped turn us into the person we want to be anyway.
Do I want to be independent? Yes. Do I want to be able to hold my own? I do. And I am, like this girl is, like Robbins is, because we’ve had people that have redirected us on a different path.
“The people that hurt you are playing the role they’re meant to play,” Tony tells her. “They’re why you have the drive you have.”
“A man does not just fucking appear.”
“Let me tell you what will end a relationship,” Robbins says after he’s done talking to a couple.
“Selfishness.”
A lot of the connections Robbins makes comes from the relationships people have with their parents. It’s referenced multiple times throughout the special, but it works. There’s no quicker way that Robbins seems to get to the root of his attendees problems.
He asks the audience what their “vision” for their romantic relationship is. This catches me off guard personally, I’ve never heard anyone ask that. I think about mine as the woman on screen describes hers: a loving, magnetic relationship with a man, a relationship where she feels safe and protected, using the metaphor of being able to “rest her head on his chest”.
Then it’s her boyfriend’s turn.
He starts with a lot of flowery language, using the word “essence” a lot. Tony stops him, describing his vision as well, unbearable to listen to. Then he asks him about his mother and father. His father was “dominating” towards him, but his mother ultimately, was the matriarch who dominated his dad.
Robbins picks at this, saying that the guy’s father was likely a “strong man” who was punished for being strong and rewarded for being weak.
He calls the dynamic “unfair” and leads into a really long story about a baby lion who was orphaned, and raised by sheep, to the point where it thought it was one. At the end of the tale, Robbins says the lion finally recognized itself for what it was. I liked the story a lot, even though I’m not a dude and I don’t have a girlfriend to prove myself to.
Robbins believes (and states a few times in the hour and a half) that men and women aren’t the same. He says men don’t communicate well (if at all), while women expect them to. The lion metaphor kind of sums up his take on how men should act, but points out men come from boys owning their truth and growing out of immature or unhealthy habits.
AMEN, BROTHER.
“Progress equals happiness.”
This is one of my core beliefs anyway, and I’m glad that Tony brings it up. I’m unhappy when I’m stagnant, and Tony clarifies that by stating:
“If you’re growing in anything, financially, spiritually, emotionally, in your relationship, in your body, you’re going to feel better in your life.”
He encourages that first teen, the suicidal one, that in addition to having all the time in the world to develop, he’s also just started. He tells him to give growing up a chance.
“You’ve just begun,” he says, locking eyes with him. “And you’re not going to fuck it up.”
“Depth is what people are missing.”
This is pointed out multiple times during the special, and Robbins even says it. He’s looking for what’s real.
“I’m not a surface guy,” he explains.
By studying body language and asking hard questions, he digs into the real problems his attendees are facing, and forces them to work on those problems. This soundbite reminds me a bit of Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, because Robbins explains that depth is incredibly rare in our society because of surface level relationships.
He cites Facebook (those probably aren’t your real friends), and texting (effortless chitter chatter) as two of the main culprits in our lack of depth. A lot of his advice connects with people, he admits, because it goes under the surface and drags out the most painful, hard to hear experiences and insecurities.
That’s where the true growth comes from.
“The truth is clear. Make the fucking call.”
One of the women Tony calls on wanted to talk about her relationship. “He talks about everything,” she said, exasperated. “It drives me crazy.”
He asks about her father (who she described as “the world’s greatest guy”) and Tony pointed out that she needed someone like him, a more masculine guy, instead of her current boyfriend, who Tony called “effeminate”.
The woman started crying. He pushed, asking if her boyfriend was the right guy for her. When she couldn’t answer, he told her to pick up her phone.
“It’s time to do the right thing when you know it’s fucking right,” he says to a shocked audience. “Not when it’s convenient and comfortable and feels good to you or when you get your brain around it.”
“Tell me if I’m wrong. Tell me if it’s wrong,” he demands, about his request for her to make the phone call.
She said he wasn’t wrong. She called and broke up with the boyfriend at the conference, in front of over 2,000 people.
So, that obviously isn’t ideal. It sucks and I would HATE to be that guy. But one of Robbin’s biggest values is being absolutely honest, even when that honesty is painful and life shattering. He says the bigger crime, is to continue to lead the guy on when the woman knows it’s not working.
“This level of authenticity will lead to a rich life,” he closes out the segment with.
I have mixed on this. As a victim of brutal honesty and also, the uncomfortable deliverer of brutal honesty, I’m more in the Gilbert camp. Directly quoting her Facebook page, Gilbert states:
“When somebody tells you that she is brutally honest, what she is actually telling you is “I am brutal.” What she is communicating to you is this: “You can trust that I am waiting for a chance to brutalize you. Now please give me an opportunity to hurt you.”
I’ve never had to think about the difference between brutal honesty that hurts and that helps, but I don’t think there’s a big one. There’s just extremes, right? Robbins is referring to the honesty that frees people, that enables people to leave situations that aren’t right for them.
Gilbert is talking about brutal honesty that people use to poke at others, to cover up their own insecurities. I think the takeaway you get from someone who chooses to be brutally honesty in a selfish way, is gratitude that they hurt you so much, there’s no way you could let yourself invest in them any longer.
“I’m not going to tolerate anything outside myself that’s less than what I can be or do or share or give.”
A lot of Tony’s advice requires work outside of the session. During one of the segments, the conference volunteers describe the various people they’re working with. They describe individuals that have been abused, disabled, have chronic pain, or lost loved ones.
It’s encouraged to not focus on these traumas, and instead, on how Tony (and the volunteers as a whole) can encourage the group to move forward.
“It’s like deciding you’re going to sculpt yourself into what you’re capable of being,” Tony says in a voiceover. “As opposed to whatever life and circumstance has provided you the opportunity to show up as.”
This point really reveals Tony’s intent for the conference and perhaps, for his career: he want to end pain for others. The way out for him personally, was to channel that pain into drive and ambition: something he credits to turning him into the Tony Robbins he is today.
“You’re tired of being strong. But you still are.”
In a particularly tender moment, Tony comforts a young woman who was raised by a religious cult. I highly recommend actually watching this section in the series, I don’t think I could ever describe what this poor woman went through. It’s horrific.
Robbins points out that sometimes horrible things happen, and we try to make sense of them.
“Sometimes there is no sense.” Robbins admits.
He tells her the thing she can do is to choose to move beyond it. That the one thing she can control is focusing on love and light, instead of the terrible things that have happened to her. Again, I can’t really put this into words that will convey her experience but the bottom line echoes the header I chose.
Even if you’re tired of being strong, it doesn’t change your strength.
Final Words: Robbins is a man that has been through deep, significant pain. He’s found a way to transform that suffering into a life-long career focused on helping people overcome personal challenges. He’s not looking for sob stories, he doesn’t want you to sit in your insecurities, and he doesn’t take excuses.
What is does want, for each and every one of his attendees to see themselves as valuable and capable of following their dreams.
Does it work? Only the people who listen to Robbins can say. His advice, his push to focus on moving forward are all centered on your ability to dig out your truth and shape it into progress.
Did you like the Tony Robbins Netflix special?
Let me know!