It’s Saturday, and I just got off a 9-5 waitressing shift. I’m on the phone with Tess – my ex-roommate and lovely friend. She moved to Asheville about a month ago.
Since then, both of our lives have changed drastically.
Her – a new house, a new job. New friends. A new environment.
Me- a new second job, a new dog. A soon to be new house. A renewed environment.
The thing I’ve always admired about Tess is that she doesn’t settle. She’s passionate and determined. Things I’ve always believed to be important characteristics of mine – until I realized I wasn’t putting them into practice.
Until I quit being a watered down version of myself.
I can hear Matt in the background – her boyfriend, my former kickball buddy. She’s talking about various things going on in her life, enthusiastically. I start thinking that I don’t think Tess has ever been a watered down version of anything.
I think back to the moments she and I had heart to hearts. I think about all the times she told me I deserved better than what I was settling for — and since she lived it, I genuinely believed her. Since she lives and breathes the mantra of – fuck mediocrity – I always believed everything she said.
This of course isn’t just limited to Tess – when I was going through that six month funk, I had really good friends that fought for me.
I had really good friends who challenged and questioned me – that reminded me of who I am, and what I stand for. Sometimes I hated it – I wanted to be poetic and wallow. But the Emilys, the Tesses, the Annabels and the Rachels refused to let it happen.
It made me realize I was tired of wanting to be poetic, wanting to wallow.
There was a point in January – and I won’t ever be able to pinpoint when – that I was just really over it. Over the settling. Over the idea that I couldn’t be more.
I thought about my life – in terms of a story, a beginning to end. If I wrote the ending, what would I want it to be? Then I realized, wrote it down – and to remind myself of it, swapped the background on my phone.
Plain, white with simple text:
The realization that I was being a coward – that I was choosing to sell myself short – caused a ripple effect.
It pushed me to everything good in my life now. It pushed me to adopt Morrie, to cut off all my hair, to stop caring about the ambivalent nature of people who can’t seem to give a fuck about anything or anyone. To embrace that I like working more than laying around, to embrace that I’ll always be a fuck yes or no kind of person.
It made me feel disappointment so much deeper. It made me push myself more – to become comfortable with 12-14 hour days. It made me resent and reject anything that felt unauthentic. It made me give up on the things, the situations, and the relationships that never changed or went anywhere productive.
To actually own the mantra I’ve pushed on my blog for years – fuck mediocrity. Fuck the things that make you feel like you don’t deserve more. Fuck anything that makes you feel less like yourself. Fuck the people who seem to get off on you being less.
The life changing wake up call that shakes up heaven and earth – the wake up call that you are not willing to settle… FOR ANYTHING. Even if the choice not to settle challenges your patience. Even if the choice not to settle damns you to exhaustive nights, intense, honest conversations, and a hell of a lot of faith that someday, it’ll all be worth it.
Because I really believe it will.
I really believe that when genuinely applied, the decision to pursue everything you want works out. The choice to take ownership of who you are, to really embrace it, and at times, defend it, is powerful and life changing. But it has to start with you – it has to start with that gut-wrenching acknowledgement that this is not who you are. This is not who you date. This is not where you live. This is not what you do. This is not your life.