It’s been awhile since I posted. I didn’t plan on posting this entry, actually, I had another one planned completely. In my planned post, I’ll go over what I’ve been up to, in addition to some details about Dave’s homecoming. Plan on that soon- but for now, I bring you this.

Over the past few months, I’ve realized a lot about myself that I think it’s very important to share. It’s a little rough around the edges, and I apologize for that, but I truly feel that writing with honesty is important. I also think writing is powerful– when done correctly, words can do anything. There isn’t anything as powerful as the written word. So here I go, 10 Very Honest Things About Me… that you may or may not have known. I’m being pretty vulnerable, so I appreciate your understanding (in advance).

I may never get over losing my aunt. My aunt died when I was in seventh grade, and I still have trouble saying her name out loud, or even writing it here. I’ve always really struggled with that loss. Sometimes I hate her, sometimes I miss her, but mostly, I just wish I never had to feel this way about her. Conflicted. I don’t think of her as much as I used to, it’s not as automatic as it used to be– but once in awhile, I think about her life, and the people that were a part of it. I wonder about them, whether they’d recognize me if they saw me today. I think about what I’d say if I ever came face to face with them. But mostly, beyond all things, I wonder if I will ever be able to place her anywhere in my life. It’s a confusing concept- after my grandmother died, I still very much felt her everywhere.  I had very vivid dreams where we have conversations- I recently had one where she spoke to Dave and played with Russell. But Linda (that wasn’t so hard, now was it?) has always just felt completely lost to me. I’m starting to think it’s always going to feel that way.

I am hopelessly and almost pathetically romantic. I am such a pathetic sap sometimes- I hate myself for it. It’s one of my best guarded secrets, but I’ll share all of my really lame hopes and dreams with you: I’ve longed to be chased to the airport. I want to find a message in a bottle. I’ve already written a million love stories in my head (gotta get an external hard drive for that thing). Breakfast at Tiffany’s is the best best best, and City of Angels is the second second second best. I still wish Ally McBeal and Billy would have ended up together. I buy myself flowers on the regular. I LOVE THIS SONG! I once had an imaginary boyfriend. His name was Adam, and he looked JUST like Adam Brody. I once read Hey Arnold/Helga Patacki fan fiction (shut up, shut up, shut up– you’ve all done it).  Harry Connick Jr. makes me swoon. And Hugh Jackman. And Robert Downey Jr. Someone better write me a secret admirer letter before I become old and boring– warning, Dave might kill you if he figures out who you are, but my absolute glee should be worth your life. I listen to the Glee cover of Total Eclipse of the Heart on REPEAT. I don’t understand how the love story fit in the movie Con Air, but I still love it. I was convinced for most of my youth that I would be Mrs. Mark Burkhardt (you have to know me to get this joke- MB was my childhood crush…yes, I’m just that creepy). I was sure I would be proposed to via BIG SCREEN at a Phillies game.  In college, I had a crush on a complete stranger. I don’t think I ever even knew his name. I still don’t. And finally, …I once listened to the entire Justin Bieber CD weeping. Tada! Someone give me a prize!

I really do believe you can have anything you want. I hate when unmotivated people tell me their deepest desires. Get over it. And then get it! I really do think that you can get anything you want in life… you may not like the sacrifices you have to make, but if you really wanted it, it should be worth it. Example, when I was 15, I decided I would be Mrs. Dave Weidenborner. Fast forward to now. If you don’t believe that, my dear friend Melissa Manikowski WILL vouch for me. Ask her– actually, don’t bother her. You should just believe me. I know what you’re thinking… Melissa, you’re ridiculous. How will I meet Justin Timberlake? Um, make a YouTube video! Stalk his house. Go through his trash– the opportunities are absolutely endless. It’s not my fault you’re not being creative.

I may always just be a little bored– and a little rude, too. If you’ve ever hung out with me and noticed me staring off into space.. it’s because, in my mind, I’m slaying dragons in a make believe world I created while drinking a cup of hot cocoa. I thrive on excitement, and need activities to keep me going. I’m constantly taking up new hobbies because I’m restless. I want to do, and be good, at everything. I’m going to be the next Martha Stewart. I’m taking up racketball- and badminton- and flag football- and adult gymnastics (the clean kind, you perverts). I’m going to write a series of books that will make J.K. Rowling look like an illiterate toddler (does that insult make any sense?). One day, I will be chuckling with Leo DiCaprio and George Clooney at a cafe in Vienna, talking about the good old days when I was ordinary. They will be my husbands. Still, while eating my biscotti, I will be staring off into the distance, wondering how long it would take to build a modest home on Jupiter.

If you haven’t noticed, I’m also just a little rude. But it’s not just that- I’m much ruder than you think. I hold back- mostly. If you’ve ever seen me around Paul Groth, you’ve seen a small reflection of how mean I can truly be. (Side note: I’m actually a very nice person, the rudeness is mostly for dramatic effect).

I’ve always learned more by going through hell. Everyone needs to be kicked in the balls sometimes… it’s the only way you’ll learn to cover your balls. For real. During High School, I was somewhat of a misfit. I tell a lot of people that and they don’t believe me because- and I quote- “You were a cheerleader, right?” Newsflash: Stop spreading stereotypes about HS cheerleaders. We never wore our uniforms to school, especially not everyday like you see on Glee. And no, there isn’t a popularity requirement to become one. But anyway– I was a misfit, and a lot of people, mostly the more socially advanced ones, ignored me. I still feel invisible sometimes because of it. But it helped me grow, and become who I am now. I’d rather be like this than like any of them. So take my advice, and make the most of out your struggles. Make it work for you.

I may never write a book. I have a very serious form of writers block. I’ve scribbled down millions of ideas for screenplays and novels- but they never make it to paper. Somewhere in my mind is an island of “misfit toys”, but instead of broke ass toys, it has every character I ever created. They are all just chillin’ there until I decide to actually start and finish a book. This is probably one of my worst characteristics– anyone have an idea of how to fix that? Mr. Brunson, you reading this? Heeeeelp me!

Warning: When I unlock my writing ability, I will be a tornado of awesomeness.

I have plenty of regrets. I have a truckload of them. I regret never really making a film, or trying to. I regret not coming to Philadelphia sooner. I regret leaving my Cara Casella. I regret losing touch with some really good friends. I regret not getting better grades. Maybe regrets are just regrets though, right? To my dismay, I’ve realized you can’t do absolutely everything you want. But some regrets are very real- you can use them to figure out what you really want in life. Wow, that was pretty profound. I’ll have to ponder that a little more.

I have a split personality. I’m convinced of it. If you’ve met me, you know Mindy. If you are not familiar with her, I’ll explain. When I was at Cazenovia, someone mistakenly tagged me as “Mindy” in a Facebook pic after a night of light drinking. Mindy was born. I’m not a good drinker- not that you really can be- but more so, Mindy does whatever Mindy wants. Mindy has eaten four hamburgers in one sitting. Mindy has punched Paul Groth in the stomach- multiple times. She occasionally smokes. Mindy once called someone the C word. Mindy is a little fearless, and pretty intimidating. But in a very psychological way, Mindy is very real to me. She represents a side of me that takes what she wants without apologies. Sometimes I wish I were a little more like her… even though she already IS me. Which leads me into my next subject…

I really really really want to be a badass. You know the girl with the awesome leather jacket, with crazy stiletto heels that she has no problem walking in? The one who cuts in front of you at Starbucks? The one with the crazy black eyeliner? I really want to be her. I suffer from nice girl syndrome- at times, I’ve let people walk all over me, just to get their approval. Sometimes I wish I would have just told them what was on my mind. Being the villain has always appealed to me much more than being the hero.. not because I want to be a bad person, I just want to be different. I want to go after what I want with no apologies. Villains obviously get a bad rap, but I really think some people are like that because they’re misunderstood. I know I’m misunderstood- who isn’t? And in case you were wondering, if I could be any villain, it would be Ursula from the Little Mermaid… I’d squash that Ginger fish!

I wish I could wake up with an British accent. Enough said. Everything is cooler with a british accent. If you don’t agree, it’s because you are already British and you don’t know how awesome you sound.

That’s all for now, readers… hope you enjoyed this one! I’m back!