Note: This email has been revised to protect the identify of the person who submitted it.
Dear Missy,
I love your blog, especially the articles you write about hope. I feel like I don’t have any hope these days. There’s the horrifying election results and what is coming out of that. There’s also a grey staleness that’s become my day to day life. I don’t feel much of anything.
I feel as if I don’t have many options. I’m a single, almost 47 female living in a small town. Everything just runs together at this point. Will I find love again? I don’t know. Will I ever feel joy again? Maybe. I’m also nursing an emotional reliance on food that only adds to my grief. I only really find solace in Oreos and Netflix. How can I get myself out of this rut? When will it end?
Who am I? Is all hope lost?
[Name omitted]
Oh, Nancy.
Your name is Nancy, now, by the way. Not just because I’ve known a lot of women named Nancy, but because one of my heroines happens to be Nancy Drew. I read the series excessively as a child, (and yes, watched the movie starring Emma Roberts). You remind me of her. Tirelessly searching for clues about your purpose and identity…
Well for starters, don’t worry so much. You’re where many of us are these days. None of us are safe from the grey, hazy fog.
During one stale period a few months ago, I started working for a click-bait media company, and was forced to write a post about American Horror Story.
My entire life, I’ve hated horror. I had no interest in doing it, but I did anyway, because I didn’t have better options. I watched season three, Freak Show, to help me write it, and before long, I was hooked.
So while you knock your reliance on Netflix and Oreos, I say – don’t! My interest in American Horror Story really surprised me, and resulted in me wandering out into the world to find a place to watch it one night (I don’t have cable). I ended up at a brewery in Raleigh, and actually made a friend, Kat. We still text about scary and spooky stuff, even though I live in Wilmington now and she’s back in RDU.
See? As cheesy as it sounds, you can discover some really awesome things about yourself when you don’t have a lot of options. It’s my theory that grey, haziness exists to make us grateful and honest about the good things we have in our lives. It acts as a compass, to redirect us in the direction we’re supposed to going in.
But Melissa, many of you are thinking, how can you encourage someone to Netflix binge and make potentially unhealthy eating choices?
I say this – I’m not encouraging that. I’m encouraging, specifically you, Nancy, to surprise yourself. And to be KINDER to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because you want to cuddle under a blanket, eat comfort food, and watch Netflix. I may have had a different response a few months ago to your message, but time and experience has given me insight into the benefits of nursing your soul back to health.
A result of my Netflix binge, was a forced break from an unhealthy fixation on a former romantic interest. I stopped thinking about him, and started daydreaming about Evan Peters wandering into the bar I worked as, and whisking me away to Portugal.
Yeah, dumb and unrealistic, but effective. It made me want more. It made me daydream and reach again, and believe in impossible things.
I think you could use a fresh perspective, and of course, here’s mine: there’s nothing hopeless about your situation. Rather, it’s brimming with hope. Don’t see this fog as an awful thing that’s been bestowed upon you. See it as something beautiful, something overflowing with opportunity.
When I road tripped to Rockland, Maine, this past summer, there was a lot of grey days. The little town was right on the harbor, and as stunning as it was when it was sunny and vibrant, it was also hauntingly beautiful when it was hazy.
Here’s a picture for proof:
Gorgeous, right?
I went alone, and spent most of my time there in the company of a stranger, my new friend Nicole, but mostly by myself. I didn’t see the benefit of that experience until very recently. I spent so much time examining my curiosity, examining my purpose. I took a break from everything else, wandered around nature, and slept in my car.
When I felt that haze, I binge-watched Friends. Yeah, on a trip. Whatever. Sometimes, you need a fucking break to be alone and wallowing. You need to a break from being so hard on yourself.
You say you live in a small town, and maybe you feel kind of small. Insert that metaphor/story about goldfish never exceeding the size of their bowl. Until you remove yourself from what you’re used to, how will you ever grow?
I know that a lot of people have constraints, so I’m not telling you to bankrupt yourself with a round the world trip or anything.
But you can start small. You can start with Netflix.
You can trick the part of yourself that feels hopeless to wander into new territory.
What’s something you’ve always been curious about, but have never explored? Find a show that’s streaming that has to do with it. Start watching Breaking Bad, or watch Kill Bill 1 &2.
Expose yourself to some edgy, badass material and I guarantee you’ll feel some kind of spark.
(Or you’ll be terrified. If that’s the case, I’m sorry and don’t listen to me anymore.)
Then, force yourself to venture beyond your borders. Sometimes I just walk around Fresh Market (a grocery store back up in RDU), and look at all of the different kinds of weird and exotic foods. I’ll make a fun little meal for myself and feel no shame in being indulgent.
So don’t knock the haze. You just have to learn how to navigate your way through it. Let your curiosity act as your lighthouse.
All hope is not lost. It’s just hiding within the haze. There’s something stirring here. Go find it.
Best of luck,
DL Missy
Driftyland Missy is exclusively published on Driftyland every week (or so). To ask Missy a question (her advice is narcissistic and generally not recommended), email her at driftyland [dot] com.