“Are you laughing at me?” I asked, running up from the shoreline.
Elizabeth, dusted in sand and laying on her beach towel, giggles.
“Yes, you’re so cute,” she says in her slightly southern drawl, before going back to reading her art magazine.
A few moments before, I had been standing on the shoreline. I was literally hopping in and out of the surf – a humorous little “will she or won’t she” jig as I contemplated getting in the water.
Finally, I just ran in.
As I floated Ever After style in the water, I thought about how that little “will she or won’t she” beach jig was the perfect metaphor to my relationship with Raleigh. More than once, when given the choice to move to Raleigh (twice, now), I did the same – will she or won’t she dance.
Instead of contemplating whether or not I wanted to get wet, I contemplated whether it was enough for me. Instead of noting the sharp, jagged shells under my feet, I thought about the long, hilly streets and lack of public transportation. Hop in, hop out – and finally – just running in, consequences be damned.
Because I just wanted to float.
And I did. In 2010, when I graduated from college, I floated through a summer in Raleigh. My friend Lane, while down visiting from Philadelphia, questioned me. “What are you doing here, Missy?” he asked, outside of Deep South’s bar.
“It’s more than you think,” I said, quietly enough so my friends wouldn’t hear. He didn’t ask again, but I asked myself that again, years later.
I’ve been living in Raleigh, again, for over a year. I have good friends, a really good job. I was downtown at a bar I really liked when I got a sinking feeling. Even the nautical theme of Anchor couldn’t settle the uneasiness I felt.
“What’s wrong?” asked Rachel, leaning in so I could hear her over the bar chatter.
“I don’t know how I got here.” I remember saying. “I don’t know why I’m still here.”
So, it’s no secret I have the tendency to be slightly dramatic. This post is a pretty good example of that. But over the past few months, I’ve experienced a slow, but undeniable resentment towards Raleigh.
I think a lot of people start to experience that, after they’ve been somewhere for awhile. It wasn’t a conscious thing, I just slowly faded away from the places I typically spent time. I opted to take weekend trips to Wilmington, Austin and D.C.
If Raleigh was a person I was dating, this would have been the time they started questioning their friends and family – “What did I do? What changed?”
Nothing, really.
I still have the same great friends. I still love Method Savvy. But after Grace sold her condo, a pursuit nearly a year in the making, I was faced with the same decision about Raleigh.
I contemplated staying near downtown. I did the dance. I start looking in Raleigh, but sneakily, looking in Durham, too.
Then, Shana said something that really made it click. After telling her that I was going to Wilmington for the weekend (again), she laughed and said: “Pretty soon, you’re not going to want to go out in Raleigh!”
That’s when I finally accepted it. Even without Wilmington, I didn’t want to go out in Raleigh. It had nothing to do with my friends (I love them), or a want to go out, Raleigh and I just don’t quite fit.
Circumstance has always just pushed me here.
So I signed a lease near downtown Durham, and by the end of next week, I’ll be a full-time Durhamite. Or whatever we’re called. I’m more excited than I’ve felt in months and I’m so incredibly ready for a change.
I’m sure I’ll drop into Raleigh from time to time. I think I’ll appreciate it more now. Durham is an adventure for me – one that doesn’t require me to leave too much behind, and give me even more opportunities to move forward.
There are just some things that don’t quite fit… and I think those things are OK to give up on.
(Don’t worry girls — I’ll be back for brunch.)