My sister, who got a dual Masters in marriage therapy and sociology, told me something really interesting about marriage.
"Typically, men are more content in marriages," she said. "Women see it as a finish line and once they cross, they're more likely to be unsatisfied."
I may have disagreed if I hadn't had a similar experience. I try not to talk about my previous marriage too much, but I will say this: it held up a mirror to who I was and what I wanted. It wasn't pretty. I was more selfish than I thought and more ambitious than I believed. For lack of a better metaphor, I was a deep well of want. I didn't know how to give myself the things I wanted and at the time, didn't really know what they were. But I desperately wanted to find those things, at any cost.
As a woman, it's not always easy to prioritize these things for ourselves. There's a fantastic scene in Marriage Story, which came out earlier this month in theaters, where the always-on Laura Dern rants about the impossible expectations of women. I agree with what she says (I won't spoil it, but I will say there was applause throughout the IFC when she said it.)
In an interview, Dern sheds more light on her opinions about relationships, summarizing it perfectly as:
“We all learn what it is to be in a partnership because of our parents. Most of them, it’s the man who is the one setting the rules. I think we all have to evolve together, and not resent men for not considering what we wanted when we weren’t expressing what we wanted. It’s complicated.”
My parents are still married. Growing up, my mom didn't work outside of the house (she does now) and my Dad was the breadwinner. I have nothing but gratitude for that upbringing but yes, it's where I learned that I should marry immediately and have children. It wasn't until those things didn't work out the way I expected that I really considered anything else.
This is the premise for Marriage Story. Adam Driver plays Charlie, an egotistical director and Scarlett Johansson plays his wife Nicole, an actress. They share a son together and are living in New York. We meet them at the end of their marriage. They're separated and their friends, who consist of Charlie's theater trope, wonder whether or not the split will stick this time.
Spoiler: it does.
I went into Marriage Story with a bias; I love Adam Driver and would watch him boil water. But I vowed to remain objective through the film and found it surprisingly easy to do so. I saw so much of myself in Nicole, a woman who perhaps, waited too long to effectively vocalize her wants and needs to her husband. It's not until it's clear that the marriage is over that she realizes what those things are.
Scarlett Johansson as Nicole in Marriage Story.
Source: Dankanator.com
Nicole unthaws on-screen, transforming from a fearful, soft-spoken, disappointed woman, to one brimming with life and opportunity. The evolution reminded me of a few years ago when I was visiting Reykjavik, Iceland. I saw a seabird swimming in one of the heated fountains in front of the Harpa concert hall. It was singing and flapping its wings furiously, as it had never felt warm water before.
It's easy to assume that Nicole (ball-parking her age around 34, same age as myself and Scar Jo), had never truly prioritized her own needs. She had never felt that warm water, and once she did, it was impossible to imagine life any other way. Charlie even accuses her of such, saying that she left Los Angeles with him to go to New York because she didn't know what she wanted to do, and that she was doing the same thing now.
His anger, to some degree, is justified. Sure, Charlie is a little too self-serving and ill-equipped to gauge his wife's happiness. But as he points out, he never had any real reason to think she was unhappy with their life. In a particularly poignant scene, where Nicole and Charlie are mid-fight, he tells her that.
Adam Driver as Charlie in Marriage Story.
Source: Discussing Film
"You were happy," he screams. "You've just convinced yourself now that you weren't."
When I think back my divorce and subsequent breakups, there were similar accusations. That I faked my happiness. That I was unsure, uncertain, and insatiable. The most scathing rebuttal to me communicating what I wanted as a reason to end the relationship, was when the other person said:
"You'll never be happy, because you'll always want what you don't have."
But we've all had this conversation, and it's why Marriage Story is so relatable. You don't need to be divorced for the message to resonate with you. For better or worse, we're all in long-term relationships with ourselves. Anyone else that enters the picture, as a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, just becomes apart of our expectations.
Through that lens, as the audience, we can see why Nicole is so hellbent on leaving New York (and Charlie) for Los Angeles and why Charlie is so eager to stay. These are not just places, these are the places that remind them of who they are. And finally, both parties are speaking up about who they are.
In the end, the film takes an interesting turn when it comes to Charlie. I won't share too many details, but it's captured perfectly in a scene where Henry, their son, finds a list that Nicole wrote at the beginning of the separation. The list has all of the reasons that she loves Charlie, who upon reading it, starts to weep. He realizes (and we realize) what he's been missing and why it's too late.
He had no gratitude. But he does now. Because marriage really is a partnership. It's a bond that must be maintained. You must be willing to see who the other person is. You must prioritize their hopes and dreams and interest. You must strike the careful balance between how much do you love me and who's in charge?
In the final scenes, Charlie finally realizes that in their marriage, he failed spectacularly at these things. We see it on his face and hear it in his voice in one of the final scenes, where he sings "Being Alive," from the musical Company at karaoke. And we know this was a breaking point for Nicole, who never felt seen in her marriage.
"I felt so small," Nicole says.
When she said that, I knew it wasn't meant to be a "cry here" moment, but I found myself tearing up.
Marriage Story isn't an easy watch, but I think it's an important one. It's a reminder that we cannot rely on our partner for happiness. However, we can learn how to make more space: for what our partner wants and what we want for ourselves.