My love life is a mess. A hot mess. A steaming pile of who knows what, topped with a shiny layer of glitter and a spritz of perfume. However, a pretty scent and dazzling sparkle don’t change all that much. A mess is still a mess, no matter how enticing.
I’ve been through enough breakups, both good and bad, to know that it sucks. No matter how hard you try to make it okay, it still stinks. You buy a gorgeous dress and put on a show for the world to prove that nothing can touch you, even though you’re really putting on a show for yourself. You smile and stand confidently until the lie becomes the truth.
Until that sharp exterior feels bulletproof, and then some random boy worms his way through your defenses. You say you’re done, but you might give this one boy a chance. You might be willing to talk, or to eat dinner, or to buy a new dress and fake another smile. I’ve spent many years thinking about how much I love and loathe dating.
Are we just hanging out?
Are we “talking”? Is this a date?
What are you looking for, or are you looking for nothing at all?
"All of them are good questions, but I find the most important questions are the ones you ask yourself when you’re alone."
Questions like: What do I want? What are my expectations? How do I want to feel? Do I have the time and capacity to share my life with another person?
I’m still working towards figuring out the answers to those questions, but I get closer every time I try to date someone.
(Please note the operative word here is “try.”)
Every boy I’ve dated has taught me something about myself.
One might say that dating someone teaches you about other people, but I heartily disagree and will demonstrate this with the clever use of examples! How very original of me, my mother would be so proud.
Unfortunately, I am shameless and nickname most of the boys I’ve dated.
Those who don’t have nicknames never earned one, but that might be good thing.
I find the nickname-able boys are the ones that hurt the most. These are the boys that make it past the castle gate and decorate the walls a bit before they jump out the window into the moat. These are the boys we need to learn from. These are the boys who teach you about yourself.
The first boy was Historical Footnote. He is thus name because he is a mere footnote in aria that is my life. He was my first in many ways and I’m thankful that he proved to be immature, arrogant, and cruel.
These are rather strange things about him to be thankful for, but I imagine I would be fairly miserable had I chosen to continue dating him and overlook his shortcomings.
There was one moment in particular that still stings (just a little bit) and I hope it won’t bother me so much someday. We were standing in kitchen, cooking and dancing around to some music. It was very romantic stuff. Then Historical Footnote turned and lifted up my shirt.
He said, “Someone hasn’t been working out,” and I crumbled.
If this phrase has been said by a different person and in a different tone, it still would have hurt. When he said it, he meant it to hurt and lo and behold, it did.
I spent my entire young adult life worrying about being too heavy. I lost 15 pounds when I went to college and worked out 3 ½ hours every single day for three years. I was the lightest I’d ever been. At the time of the snide comment, I was fit, dancing two days a
week, and biked everywhere because I didn’t have car.
Looking back, I am thankful he said those insensitive words. It made me realize he reflected his own ugliness on other people and survived by putting others down. I did not need that kind of toxic existence in my life.
Shortly thereafter, I casually dated a boy who helped alleviate a lot of the damage Historical Footnote wrought. I wish I had been in a better place and had wanted something more than a casual experience. I didn’t deserve this person and they made me feel beautiful, just the way I was. Needless to say, this is one without a nickname.
"He made me realize that anyone worth my time wouldn’t care if I was 120lbs or 150lbs. They would still consider me enchanting."
Example #2 (See, I’m officially following a trend): I saw Pantywaist in a play and he dazzled me with a kind smile. I’m a sucker for a good smile. We went on a few dates and had a great time. He was interesting to talk to and I made incredible friends because of him. He also helped me not fear the “boyfriend/girlfriend words” quite so much.
All was marvelous until the week he dropped off the face of the earth. He ignored me for almost the entire week and by the time I finally heard from him, I was convinced he was a rude, inconsiderate dirt bag. He called me and we made plans to hang out and play board games with our mutual friends. All was right with the world once more, and then the game night happened.
It’s an evening I won’t soon forget. He acted like everything was completely normal. He even gave me a kiss in greeting and agreed we should go back to my place in front of our friends. As soon as we were alone, he abruptly told me “I’m not going over to your place. I think you’re a really great girl, but I’m just not ready for this.” I kept my cool, nodded, and thanked him for his honesty.
He smiled at me like a massive burden had been lifted from his shoulders and walked away. I proceeded to cry in my car the whole way home.
I later learned my wonderful friends had confronted him during the week he disappeared. Pantywaist had wanted to break up with me all week, but didn’t have the courage to do it. His grand plan was to wait for me to get fed up with being ignored and do the deed myself.
Of course, my friends called him a coward and told him he had to talk to me.
I am thankful for Pantywaist because he helped me be honest with myself about what I’m looking for in a relationship. I didn’t want to be someone’s casual fling or a girl on the side. I wanted to be their person, and maybe even use those scary previously mentioned scary words.
A few months after that, I found myself in a dive bar singing karaoke with a few friends. I was sitting at one of the tall tables along the wall, listening to the current singer belt a power ballad, when he walked in. I noticed him the second he stepped into the dimly lit room. He strode right past us, ordered a beer, and sat a table all by himself.
The following conversation loosely occurred after mystery man sat down.
Me: Wow, he’s hot.
Friend #1: Oh yeah, steaming hot.
Friend #2: He looks like a douchebag.
Me: But damn, look at that facial hair.
Friend #1: Agreed.
Friend #2: I still say he looks like a douchebag.
Me: I wonder why he’s sitting by himself? I’m going to talk to him.
Friend #1: Go for it, girl!
Friend #2: Fine, but don’t blame me if he’s a douchebag.
And so, I skipped over to his table to introduce myself and inform him that nobody should have to sit by themselves on karaoke night. Therefore, I decided to rectify the situation. We chatted, we laughed, he asked me out for sushi, and then we said goodnight. We did end up going for sushi, and then started dating exclusively.
But once again, I found myself dealing with another cowardly person who didn’t have the nerve to tell me he wanted to break up. A few weeks later, he asks if I’ll give him a second chance. I stupidly said yes and we planned a date to talk about it.
A date he never showed up for.
I sent a very polite text message stating that actions spoke louder than words and proceeded to cry while watching sad TV for the next four hours.
(The show I watched was fantastic and I’ll definitely be cosplaying it next year. I digress.)
Friend #2 was correct all along and my newly nicknamed Coward #1 was officially a douchebag. I am thankful for Coward #1 because he showed me that I wanted to date someone who followed through and didn’t merely use flowery language as an excuse for shitty actions.
In an effort to recover, I decided I would give online dating a go! It would be a great experience and I would master the art of going on dates. To be honest, it was fairly educational and I met a ton of really nifty people I’d rather be friends with than date. Then, I went on a date with Gamer Dude.
He was a fellow nerd and really easy to talk to. The only thing I didn’t appreciate about Gamer Dude was the method in which he dumped me, over a text message. He then proceeded to tell me why I wasn’t what he was looking for. Nice guy, right?
I can’t hate him too much because he helped me realize I could be honest about what I liked in the bedroom and not be made to feel ashamed of it. It was probably the most refreshing sexual conversation I’ve ever had with a boy. I am thankful for Game Dude because I am much more comfortable discussing what I physically enjoy than I was before.
My most recent venture into the world of romance was fun. I mean, like actually fun. I met Knockoff Buble on a Halloween bar crawl. I was dressed up as Mavis from Hotel Transylvania and he was so impressed by my teeth because they looked freakishly real. Our groups of friends chatted for about an hour, numbers were exchanged, and we parted ways.
A few days later, I get a text message.
“Is this the cute vampire from the other night?”
So, we started talking and before I knew it we were playing ping pong and making funny sound effects. There were terrible jokes made and we went out for a few more weeks. I spent so much time laughing in his company and I adored every second of it.
Unfortunately, we were merely ships in the night and not looking for the same things. I am so happy I met Knockoff Buble because he showed how much effortless fun I could have while dating someone. I never felt like I was trying to be more chill, or talk less, or have perfect makeup. I could just be myself without any reservations or judgement. If you’re not comfortable just being yourself, there’s probably something missing.
Maybe dating doesn’t have to suck! Maybe we can forget about putting on a front to impress someone else and simply be who we are.
Granted, this is easier said than done and taking your own advice is harder than it looks. I tell myself I need to be careful with my slightly bruised heart. I tell myself not to get too excited too early in the game. I tell myself they’ll stay because they like me as I am. However, like most people, I’m insecure about a lot of things.
There are definitely days when I feel like I’m going to turn into the scary witch who lives by herself at the end of the street and deadeyes teenagers for fun. To be honest, that might happen anyway!
When all is said and done, I’ll still keep trying. I might end up with a few new scratches on my heart, but it’ll be worth it because one day I’ll meet someone who wants to share a piece of their heart. Their heart will fill in the pieces that have been chipped away and mine will do the same for them.