Dear Missy,
I've been struggling. I don't know how to say it but just that, I've been struggling. I'm in decent health, I have a job that doesn't make me miserable, and I have friends, but I'm tired. My heart hurts. I feel like I'm on an endless search for fulfillment and love. Whenever I get close to either of those things, it eludes me. Fleeting moments of satisfaction, followed by long periods of sustainable, but unavoidable black.
It's not that I don't have hope. I have a lot of hope. But anything I chase or pursue always seems just out of my reach. Hobbies provide short-term entertainment, but it always fades. Romantic partners come and go. What's the point of it all?
I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I just feel exhausted. Every day is draining, and I'm sick of asking questions that I'll never have any answers to, anyway. I'm thinking about doing something wild and uprooting, like potentially moving to a new city, quitting my job to work at a coffee shop or picking up and going to Asia for awhile.
Anything that makes me feel. Anything that gives this all some kind of purpose.
Listless
Dear Listless,
How you describe your angst is poetic, and frankly, very relatable. I don't think there's anyone on the planet that hasn't felt just like you do now. In our more milquetoast seasons of life, these feelings are pretty par for the course.
However, your issues sound a little more extreme than just the winter blues. You sound pretty lonely, and a bit tortured. But based on my own personal experience (and I could be way off here), and lot of that torture seems self-inflicted. It makes me wonder if you're punishing yourself for something. It makes me think that you're about the chase (chasing hobbies, relationships, etc.,) because it helps numb you. It gives you a surge, some momentum, some distance away from questions like "why are we all here on this spinning blue dot, anyway?"
Here's the thing about finding purpose. The more you obsess over it, the more it escapes you, right? That's because it's like chasing the horizon. There's never going to be a surefire finish line. It's not as simple as that. Purpose isn't something you catch. It's something you live.
Purpose is a long-term commitment. When you're pursuing your perfect career or perfect partner, or perfect hobby, there's not one single, massive magical moment when it all comes together. You're never done. If you want to find purpose, you need to work towards it every day. Even if you're terrible at first, even if it's boring sometimes, even if you find yourself longing for easier, simpler things, anything worth doing is worth an investment.
You can't find your purpose because it's something you build. Something you create. Whenever you dismiss something like a potential partner, hobby, or job, because it's not exciting enough for you or it's not always easy, you cheapen the whole experience.
If you're going to chase thrills, call it what it is - thrill seeking.
But if you want purpose.... if you want to be ridiculously good at something, have something be incredibly meaningful for you, or be with someone for more than a month, you need to commit to the difficult parts, just as much as you commit to the thrills.
Consider some of the greats.
There's that famous story about how Jon Hamm didn't hit it big with acting until he was 40. Do you think he felt like he had achieved his purpose before that? When he was teaching acting to other actors to pay the bills, do you think he was thinking, "this is my purpose?"
No, because it was his road to purpose. He kept showing up even though it wasn't easy. He didn't give up when he felt bored or unfulfilled. Hell, he lost his mom to colon cancer at a very young age and still mustered the strength to keep going.
And you talk about doing something "wild and uprooting." But I promise, that until you shift your mindset and start seeing purpose as a path, and not a pursuit, a new city, a new job, or Asia will lose their shine, too.
So after today - after you read this - ask yourself this: All I really want to do in life is _____________.
Then make a list of how you can realistically achieve each of those things. Get down to the details. The nitty-gritty.
Want to meet someone you can build a life with? Who do you have to become to attract that kind of person? What do you need to work on to maintain a relationship?
Tired of where you live? Sure, pick somewhere new, but don't just throw a dart at a map. Think about the environment you need to thrive. Where do you need to be to make your dreams come true?
Then, do something small every single day to work towards your dream. And in the meantime, just relax. Prioritize self-care. Think about talking to a therapist. Cut out the things that drain you, one by one.
Want purpose? Make a plan.
Missy
Want more Driftyland?
Sign up for our newsletter.