A few weeks ago, I came across this quote.
“You’re actually going to write and record hundreds of songs.”
It was a part of an interview with Frank Ocean, made into an inspirational kind of image, from Pinterest. Or something.
Essentially, a fan asked Frank Ocean to explain his current situation to his five-years-ago self. Ocean recaps his last five years, complete with disappointments and failures, to get to his current self. Of course, his current self is hanging out with Jay Z.
I was intrigued by this, so I decided to follow the same exercise.
Five years ago was October 10th, 2009. I was a senior at Temple University, and I had just gone on a weekend cabin trip with my friends. I was in a relationship, uncertain about what was going to happen after college, and was living in a New Girl esque situation on campus.
I wrote out an entire post chronicling my past five years, starting with that said camping trip, where my friends urged me not to move to Raleigh after graduation. I got to the middle, my various moves to Philly and back, the trip to Iceland, and finally, to the end, where I talked about being full circle again in Raleigh.
Then I deleted the entire thing. It just didn’t feel right.
Those previous years, while unpredictable, were also unintentional. It made me feel guilty for not somehow doing that all better. In the past, I made a lot of mistakes. I failed a lot. I missed a lot of universal signs that said, “hey, don’t go this way.”
So I considered writing a post outlining my next five years. But I’ve already done that. In a New Years Manifeso I wrote last winter, I outlined everything I wanted to do this year. If I’m holding myself to those standards, I’ve already failed. I didn’t write everyday, I didn’t buy a house, and I didn’t travel that often.
By those standards, it doesn’t matter that I went to Nashville and saw Charles Esten, visited my friend Sarah in Portland AND went to Los Angeles. That’s not “often” enough. It doesn’t matter that I moved in with Mike, learned to be more direct and less passive, wrote the first draft of my travel guide last month, or ran 2.5 miles the other day. It’s not good enough because it’s not perfect.
Insert a huge universal slap in the face.
That “I need to be everything and get everything” mindset really cheapens all of those smaller accomplishments. The future planning and expecting launches me so far into the future. The “I’m going to be X by X age” motivates me, but it also enables me to briefly visit a magical place where everything is perfect. Everything that I want to be, instead of what I am. There’s this lingering promise, this unsaid agreement of “you can have all these things… but only if you’re perfect and you don’t mess it all up.”
It makes me resent myself for not being enough. Why don’t I have a publisher yet? Why am I not Zooey Deschanel yet? Why didn’t I get up this morning and make something delicious from scratch?
Cue that soft, yet biting voice in my head: It must be because I’m flawed.
That’s the danger of chasing perfection, of having incredibly high standards for yourself and other people. It devalues your efforts, their efforts, and the life you’re already living. Because no matter how hard you try, life will never be perfect, and it won’t be exactly what you think you want.
I’m not belittling trying to better yourself. I think it’s crucial. I think you should shoot for the moon, push yourself, and try to be everything you want.
Just don’t throw away, or devalue everything you already have.
I finished Whole30 after sticking to it all month. I finally gave away all the extra clothing I’ve wanted to toss. Whenever my fitted sheet came off our bed, I fixed it. Mike spilled some wine on my favorite white dress last night, and the stain almost completely came out.
And I finished this blog post.
It’s enough for now. I’m still going to be hard on myself, and try to get everything I want. I’m going to dream of Greece and continue to stumble through learning French, thinking about the day I can giggle with Marion over fresh croissants. But in the meantime, I’m not going to hate myself for vegging out and watching New Girl.