When I was 21, I spent the summer in South Jersey. I’ve hidden this well, mainly because for that summer, I was a waitress at T.G.I.Fridays and was seriously rocking a hair-extensioned Hannah Montana look. I worked until 2 or 3 in the morning and dated jerks. I spent evenings playing cards with my family friends and got my first tattoo. For my 21st birthday, my friend Becky threw me a party where we all dressed in colored saran wrap.
I know…right?
We’ve all done crazy things. I can say that every year, of the past 28 years, has been a complete surprise (especially that one). Each year has been challenging, and invigorating. I did things I never thought I’d do, some without saran wrap.
Don’t get me wrong. There were a lot of wonderful things – hanging out with Catherine and Dan in Blondos, Iceland, chain smoking cigarettes with Tassy Pankow at 4 AM, and house-sitting a grumpy, grey cat named Raisins in Northern England for two weeks. Meeting Oprah Winfrey and The Avett Brothers, coaching junior high cheerleading in Topsail Beach, and driving up to Rochester on weekends in college with Lane, blasting Michael MacDonald and Britney Spears. Singing terrible karaoke on a cruise. Racing to City Hall with Jeff McReynolds after the Phillies won the World Series, and staying up all night watching Woody Allen movies.
Hopping on the train to D.C. for the weekend to meet up with Jasmin and William to work at Audienti, taking a last minute trip to Chelsea to attend a Jaguar event for Empire Covers. Exploring Paris with Marion, working for the Greater Philadelphia Student Film Festival, cruising around Mt. Hood with Sarah Charniak, and spending the weekend in Palm Springs with A.J. Friedman. Hanging out with Sophia Bush. Living off rotisserie chicken and olives in Nice for a week. Visiting my cousin Logan every summer, taking trips to North Carolina every weekend during my senior year of college and getting featured on the CW Philly for my blog.
The list goes on.
Then again, there were a lot of not so wonderful things. The night that my ex broke up with me, after two years of dating, before taking off for a weekend with his friends. When I decided to leave Philadelphia because I couldn’t afford to live there. On a bus in Reykjavik, when I realized I had to I give up Russell. The afternoon my parents picked me up at cheerleading practice, and told my that my Aunt – my best friend and idol, had taken her own life. The day that a doctor told me that I might not be able to have children, after two miscarriages.
But as is life.
Because the one thing I’ve learned from my 28 years on Earth is that life is inconsistent, thrilling, and occasionally unfair. I’ve also learned that there’s incredible value in both consistency and unpredictability. There’s value in surrounding yourself with people, and being your own best friend.
So in the past 28 years, I’ve made it a point not to leave any stone unturned. I’ve taken every chance I’ve felt a twinge of enthusiasm for and I’ve seen it through to the very end. Everything, everyone I’ve felt passionate about, I’ve pursued, until it didn’t make sense to pursue any longer.
When given the choice, I’ve chosen to act. That guy in college that I was just friends with, but was crazy about? Fuck yeah, I kissed him. That job that I really didn’t like, or see going anywhere? Fuck yeah, I quit it. That pull, that insatiable push to go to Iceland, to Durham, and to Philadelphia? Fuck yeah, I followed it.
No regrets, bitch.
I hope to continue that go-and-get-it drive in the next year, the next 20 years. It’s something I want to follow through with for the rest of my life. I don’t want to ever forget the feeling of taking an incredible risk, even when it doesn’t work out.
I don’t ever want to forget what it feels like to try.
I want to keep chasing “it”… whatever “it” is, forever.