A month ago, I gave up alcohol.
The most important reason is simple – I felt compelled to. After a bad date, and one too many drinks, I woke up the next day feeling emotionally exhausted and shitty.
That afternoon, we had a margarita lunch at work. I decided to pass on it. It was just because I felt like a shitty bag of garbage. That night, I skipped drinking again. For some of the same reasons. I had a dinner party on Saturday, and decided to skip alcohol then, too.
The idea of month long sobriety came to me during those handful of days. I thought about it, considered it. I wondered if it would be too difficult, if it was worth it.
Like any serendipitous idea, I couldn’t get it out of my head. That Monday, when I was at Shana’s, I took a small sip of wine. I took another.
And then I decided to do it. To take a month off, to the day. I gave my glass of wine to Tassy, and spent the next month without even a sip of alcohol.
I didn’t avoid alcohol – I was constantly around people who were drinking. I didn’t hide from booze, I was just in parallel to it. During all of those late nights, the only sober person in a crowded bar, I found myself deep in thought.
I often wondered if, and ultimately decided, that this was a challenge from God, the universe. Perhaps to show that I was capable of being incredibly disciplined, or maybe, to show that I was welcoming change into my life.
If anything, it was an opportunity to get some clarity, to refresh. But honestly, it was really hard. I kind of expected to be rewarded for it.
I know that sounds selfish. It is selfish. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I thought that maybe, if I proved to myself, and to God that I could do this, there was a bigger reason why.
But nothing seemed to be happening. By the end of the month, I was a little disappointed. What was the purpose for all of this?
Was it just something I dreamed up, a way to bring reason to a bad experience? I couldn’t decide, but let it go. It wasn’t important to figure out.
A few days ago, it dawned on me. There was reason and reward from it. While I was waiting for something BIG and FLASHY to happen, a ton of wonderful, little things happened.
I went to church every Sunday, because I wasn’t too tired from being out the night before. I fell in love with Bible study. I started journaling during both – scribbling down verses, phrases that stood out to me. I prayed, constantly.
I saved a TON of money and got a TON of sleep. My work improved because I seemed more focused. Dare I say, happier?
My thoughts and feelings were just clearer.
Without the influence of alcohol, weekend nights typically spent flirting with boys, or reflecting on romantic entanglements, suddenly transformed into open, peaceful blocks of time. I worked on my book. I made a HUGE vision board for my room. I cooked and cleaned more.
Honestly, at times, it was kind of boring.
But that’s not a bad thing. I desperately needed some boredom. I needed a week, or two, or three, where my biggest problem was trying to decide between two flavors of ice cream.
What a wonderful problem to have.
I won’t lie, I’m excited to have drinking as an option again.I’m going to D.C. this weekend, and Austin, the next. I’m excited to drink dry red wine with dinner, and a Bloody Mary with breakfast. But in moderation.
For the first time since I turned 21, I’ve realized that drinking isn’t an obligation or expectation – it’s a choice. It’s a deep, consistent part of our social lives, but it’s a choice. A choice I’m glad to have.
I can’t predict how much, or how little, this experience will change me. But I’m grateful, and fortunate for it. I’m proud of myself. I did it.
And the feeling of a win, of an accomplishment, is enough for me.