I was talking to a new friend, when those words popped into my head.
“Maybe he’ll like it.”
Like it, in regards to what I was about to admit to. I don’t recall what I was holding back, but it was pretty unimportant. Something equivalent to, “I still listen to Britney Spears when I drive home,” or “I ate soup in my bed last night.”
A quirky habit or interest that could change their perception of me….and I didn’t want to expose myself to someone I didn’t know very well. And then, those words again:
“Maybe he’ll like it.”
So I said it.
When I started conceptualizing this post, I thought I would focus on my alternativeness. But I’m already pretty transparent about that, and honestly, I was more interested in the fear behind it. The fear of being vulnerable, of releasing control of what another person thinks of me.
But vulnerability is a really powerful thing. It connects people. It brings you closer to the people you love. It’s much more powerful than being confident, despite the discomfort and fear that comes along with it. Confidence has nothing on someone who’s open, raw, and forthcoming.
Because when you’re vulnerable, you’re real.
It’s just not an easy thing for people to do. There’s this belief, especially with women, that it’s better to be indifferent, cold, or seemingly uninterested.
It’s stupid, but I’ve done it. Everyone has.
A college friend once asked me, “Why don’t you care?”after a fight, and I think I just shrugged, and told her I didn’t know.
What I should have said, and perhaps, what she needed to hear was – “it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that not opening up to you protects me.”
But it didn’t. I think that’s the most difficult thing to realize about vulnerability. It seems like a way to protect you, to hold you together, but it’s actually slowly breaking you apart. It’s distancing you from your true self, and what’s important to you.
And why? For self preservation? To avoid getting hurt? It doesn’t make any sense, when you think of it that way.
Instead of telling that friend, “I don’t know, I just don’t,” I could have told her that I was hurting. We could have talked about why. We could have hit the root of things, and moved passed it – either as friends, or not as friends, but at least we wouldn’t be shutting ourselves off just to avoid a little discomfort.
My challenge to my readers, is a challenge that I’ve taken on for myself. Be fucking vulnerable. Find that thing that’s making you feel all icky inside, and deal with it, instead of putting up walls. Shake things up, and see where the chips fall.
Best case scenario, you make an amazing connection with someone. Worst case scenario, you lose someone who was probably kind of wishy-washy about you in the first place. Both are wins.
Or start small – admit to being a closeted Elvis fan.
Because hey… maybe he’ll like it.