What is a role model exactly? I’ve known that I’ve had plenty of them over the years, just as an example, Mandy Moore and Audrey Hepburn. That was mostly based on the exterior. There wasn’t any real purpose behind it besides just plain adoration. They had qualities they I wanted for myself. I didn’t find any common ground, didn’t share any experiences, heck, none of them made me want to be a better person. Maybe just a more attractive person.
I like to credit myself as being an open book, but that simply just isn’t true anymore. I live and breathe ego, relish in other people’s affection for me, and obsess daily about how I can look better. That’s the truth. It’s not an easy thing to admit, trust me. But I have ended relationships and friendships just based on the fact that that individual didn’t seem as invested in me as I was. That sounds pretty petty, right?
Now that I’ve confessed something deep and dark about myself, let me try to explain. I have inner demons, very much like everyone else, but it wasn’t something I was willing to confess until I read a book that changed everything for me.
“Unbearable Lightness” by Portia de Rossi.
I never knew much about Portia de Rossi, and I doubt you do either. Portia de Rossi is an actress that’s known for her roles on Ally McBeal and Arrested Development. She also suffered from extreme bulemia and anorexia.
Before you make a judgement, just wait. I’m not bulemic or anorexic, and I haven’t ever been. But I do have a very poor relationship with food, and a distorted view of my body. Things I read in her book really paralleled with my everyday life. I felt sick when I read about Portia staring at herself in the mirror, picking apart her body. I felt sick when I heard about how she would starve her body in fear of gaining weight. The one that hit home especially, is how she would eat the same things every single day. I am guilty of all of those things.
In my mind, I’m chunky. It doesn’t bother me, but I certainly look after what I eat in order to maintain my weight. 108. I actually weigh 108 lbs, which tends to rise and fall up to 110 and down to 105. To bring the reality of this home, I mostly skip breakfast, usually just grabbing coffee or iced tea. On confident days, maybe a bagel. I eat either a tornado, broccoli with a little soy sauce, or nothing for lunch. Dinner is almost always plain Ramen noodles with no seasoning, steamed broccoli, with a little soy sauce. On good days, I allow myself to eat half a carton of Ben and Jerry’s, or add shrimp to the noodles.
I felt so embarrassed when I realized that I was really depriving my body of nutrients. Much like Portia, I was after this perfect body that I already pretty much had. At restaurants, I had that voice in my head that said “salad, no dressing”. I skipped fries, dessert, or just didn’t finish half of my food. Sometimes, I eat a lot- something my husband calls my “hungry” moods. That’s pretty much when I get so incredibly hungry I gorge myself.
I learned so much from this book. Not only that this was not a way to feel better about how I look, but that I can achieve happiness from the things I fear the most. Portia said the things she feared the most were 1) Being Gay 2) Being Fat. I can say that I share one of those fears (in case you didn’t pick up on it before, it’s being fat). So that’s why I’m switching role models.
Gwyneth Paltrow is great. She has a cookbook, a family, stars on a hit TV show, has been in amazing movies, and is pretty and thin. But she represents something that I want so much, I’m willing to torture myself to get it. It’s not good for me. I want to find happiness through self-acceptance, not self-loathing. I hate the time I’ve spent hating my body, hating how I look. I hate all the times that I thought my date must be thinking “She just isn’t cute” or “She’s a little chubby”. I dread the times that I wore loose fitting shirts because I didn’t want anyone to notice my “tummy”. I hate that I baked myself like a cookie in a tanning bed because I thought it would make me look more attractive. I hate myself for beating myself up whenever I drank another beer, ate another cookie, or broke down and ate half a pizza.
So sorry, Gwyneth… you’re fired. I think I’ll go with Portia on this one.